The duality of the female and male within a human being is an age-old battle. In many Indian and Greek Mythological stories, the formation of the single unified form, from the two complementary forms is well known (Purush/Prakruti, Ardhangi, Adam/Eve, Yin/ Yang).

Fairy tales all over the world bring the archetypical love story of separation, longing and coming together of the prince and princess despite many struggles, signifies the union of the male and female bound by love for the ultimate wholeness one is aspiring to gain all their lives.

No inspirational character in history, is, sans the complexity of female and male psyche coming together. You take the examples of the brave kings like Maharana Pratap or Queens like Rani Lakshmi Bai, you take examples of great freedom fighters, world leaders or people who have positively brought changes in consciousness like Gandhi, Desmond Tutu, Rabindranath Tagore, Dr. Anandi Bai, Savitri Phule all are endowed with the masculine qualities of courage, focus, determination along with compassion, dedication, perseverance, kindness and above all love for the mankind.

Human being is constantly seeking to better oneself by overcoming the duality within oneself, but it’s possible only with true understanding of the nature of this particular duality. Within these polarities, a life is created, nurtured and transformed, making it important for us to know that we cannot live in the polarities.

Today on the occasion of ‘Women’s Day’ let’s look closely at how do we bring balance in the highly masculinized world by understanding the nature of the male and female qualities all around us in the universe.

The differentiation of gender is a human reality having a purpose far greater than procreation. The ‘sex’ is a biological division while ‘gender’ is a construct where the bio, psycho, social come together influenced by cultural norms, customs and narratives. We have to look at femininity and masculinity created by but not limited by the physical forms. These are two distinct yet highly complementing forms of expression physically, psychologically and spiritually.

If we look at the duality of sexes as manifestations of higher principles of nature, we will be able to see the archetypical laws underlying the feminine and masculine forms. Looking at it as the polarity of life and form expressed in nature, can you see how the qualities work within and without? Life and form must work together in everything that lives. Something, coming to life from the seed, grows and withers but in the process it takes a certain form. The principal of breathing life in the form is feminine, while the form itself is the masculine principle.

In embryological development, when one gender takes the upper hand and the opposite sex ceases development, the remains of this ceased development is visible. It remains as a potential for realizing the other gender within one’s own.

Femininity is associated with wisdom, grace, sensitivity, compassion, creativity, nurture, resilience, warmth, sensuality, subtlety, depth, dreaminess, adaptability, softness, multitasking and love of all kinds. The flip side of these qualities manifest as dreaminess, being dispersed, getting lost in building castles, jealousy, intense competitiveness, insecurity, oversensitivity, fragility and complete surrender to the other. The image of the feminine qualities can paint the picture of enveloping warmth, love and roundness. In Sanskrit all the words associated with higher qualities are feminine like Bhuddhi, Bhakti, Niti (Morality), Mamata (love). You can clearly see the uplifting quality in the higher forms of femininity.

The masculine qualities that stand out, are almost opposite firmness, goal-directedness, precision, decisiveness, courage, physical strength, power, support, reliability, action-oriented, rational, focused and attentive to details. While the one-sidedness of masculinity lies in tendencies to be aggressive, dominating, oppressive, rigid, cold, calculative, driven, ruthless, crude, hard, clumsy, blunt, insensitive. The image is that of a man clearly defined, routed on the earth with clarity of thought and purposeful action.

Historically, if we trace the journey of the development of the genders from the caveman time to now we see how the man who was responsible for hunting, bringing food, for facing danger and needed a physique for that. Hence, man’s body is dense, heavy with more muscles and bones. While women needed to bear children, raise them, make sure the community stays together for protection and be ready for any eventuality. A woman’s body hence is softer, pliable, lighter, flexible yet resilient. Only in these two polarities can man cocreate. One receives but also the other needs to be received and for that, a space needs to be built with consciousness. The physiological differences only serve the purpose of spiritual union.

The psychological and behavioural differences seemed to correlate with the structural differences in the formation of the brain. These differences throw light on why we say Men are from Mars and Women from Venus. The female typically has a bigger limbic system that deals with emotion and its expression. Women are better at recalling long term memories and emotional experiences. Isn’t it interesting that women carry the future seed in their womb which carries the memories in the genetics, physical structure? A kind of memory palace.

Women hear better than men, and men have better vision. It is reflected in the feminine quality of listening to the inner voice of the other and holding it like a mirror. Men have larger amygdala and left hemispheres. They also have a larger area that is related to mathematical ability. Men have better spatial perception and are hence better at forming a spatial map. Women have a better perception of faces, while men for things.

In language processing, the women tend to use both the hemispheres while men mostly use left, hence the disparity in communication style. In females, the right and left hemispheres talk more to each other than men. This can reflect in how women can bring people together, gather support, build communities, rely on emotional sharing for intimacy can act as balancers while men can give, receive information, solve problems or prove their point to establish an identity or territory better.

Of course, these differences in brain structures are mediated and alchemized by many other factors, mainly the hormone/receptor interactions & their effects. The presence of male and female hormones in everyone creates the possibility of greater integration of masculine and feminine qualities. True human nature is a rich tapestry weaved with these two strands, bringing color and hues to the otherwise monochrome that we usually visualize genders as. In the man, the masculine pole works outwards and the feminine lives more inwardly, while in the woman the opposite. E.g. Bravery, courage, these work outwardly for men, while for women the same courage is experienced inwardly as a resilience or inner strength in the face of adversity. When a woman stands up and takes the battles or speaks for the community, it’s the masculine quality of courage that we are witnessing.

In everyday life, we experience the union of the two qualities without realizing how the two work subtly together.
You take an example of what we call a ‘fulfilling conversation’! The conversation where one feels enriched is where you can connect, feel listened to, are able to listen, where you have been received yet felt you got something substantial out of it for your growth, found a direction. This itself has the feminine and masculine dimensions inherently woven together. Wherever there are well-defined, clear, pertinent thoughts, the male psyche is at work and when you see rounding off, bringing together, convergence, imagination, creativity it’s the female psyche taking over.

As a mental health professional, one needs to be informed of these nuanced work in the formation of an individual as a man or woman. Men and women experience the world differently and for a reason. The differences manifest in the kind of mental health issues seen in women and men. More women than men are diagnosed with depression, anxiety and PTSD while more men than women with Alcoholism, Schizophrenia, Autism. Of course, with the rise of the masculinization of the environment we see a lot of changes in these figures as well. Therapeutically then, it’s a question of how do you strengthen the ‘man’ in ‘woman’, ‘woman’ in ‘man’, ‘man in man’ and ‘woman in woman’ but also understand where these are difficult to work out because of organic reasons.

If one is not able to completely embody one’s gender, it creates a certain homelessness and isolation within oneself. Clients often express this dissonance as an inability to feel comfortable in one’s skin. Gender identity is an important milestone for the development of a self-image. The overt and covert Masculinization of the world across continents deprives a human being the chance to experience the subtle qualities of the other. The world needs to develop the feminine qualities of warmth, compassion, nurture, deep listening to add to the masculine in both creating beautiful harmonious melody. What life will be without the hues ?

Equality amongst men and women cannot come by, neutralizing the genders and forming a more male-dominated consciousness. It’s takes away the inherent spiritual possibility for embodiment can bring to humanity as a whole.

Developmentally, the consciousness which is undifferentiated at the beginning of life is individualized in youth and then transformed in the later part of life where one becomes genderless. The gender stereotypes make it difficult for each to work with the other gender within oneself to bring congruence to the experience of self. Can I meet masculine and feminine within and be grateful? Can I transform the shadow of my maleness and femaleness? E.g. Can I become less aggressive as a man or a woman (identifying and working with my shadow of masculinity), or Can I work with reality and not get lost in dreams? (working with my shadow side of femininity)

Bringing all the above aspects in pedagogy through fairy tales, mythology, life skills training from kindergarten, working with arts, bringing the mathematical and science concepts through living forms can pave the way to bring feminine in balance with the masculine. At home when a child witnesses father lovingly caring for his parents, or becoming emotional watching a musical performance at the same time being a sensitive boss. Watches mother caring for an injured stray and a being a mathematician par excellence without inner conflict, the feminine and masculine organically interact the inner sensitivities of the child. The now adult,  can be a balanced human being.

True equality can come only when in freedom we meet the other within and without. The spiritual in material can be realized for raising the consciousness in humanity.

The post ‘Becoming Human’– The role of the ‘Feminine’ in ‘Man’ appeared first on Apara India.

This is the truth! And the worst polarized deviation from this truth today is that the woman’s search for the feminine’s place within creation is reduced to being a mere aspiring equal, currently subordinate to the man.

On whose shoulder lies the deterioration of this self-actualization to this level at which we are today? The whole society, of course! Men and women together and the various ways in which they have succumbed to the level of deterioration of the entire species through parenting.
Whatever is written so far might seem larger than life and profound; one might also think that this is too much to take on or digest. Let’s start with an example close to our perception.

If you all remember, till a couple of decades back women’s cricket did not have a space in media anywhere close to men’s cricket. The reasons that we all know are that there is a larger audience for men’s cricket followed by more sponsors, followed by more hype, followed by more money coming in for training, hosting tournaments, medical help, etc., and consequently followed by more opportunities for men. Is there an audience for women’s cricket? No? So, obviously, it is an uphill task to bring women’s cricket at par with the men’s version. Very fair, very valid.

A keen brain, however, would think. If human beings can conceptualize, market, and sell CocaCola as an alternative for water (consumers who actually have accepted CocaCola as a viable option for water need to visit a mental health professional immediately) but cannot conceptualize and sell women’s cricket is the lamest excuse ever heard. In the last two decades, however, this clever manipulation against women’s cricket changed into a mature and sincere enquiry by both men and women and we all see the positive results.

Scoring a point over the other is a survival instinct. But becoming better so as to inspire each other to progress is evolution. This sincere and mature propagation of women’s cricket, now we understand, is good for cricket, it is good for both men and women, it is good for the market, it is good for wealth creation and it is good for every human being.

The clever manipulation described above has been the cause of the deterioration of our self-actualization process. And women are equally party to this evil of thinking. It is easier to make a perpetrator out of a man and continue to wallow as a victim than to chalk out one’s own path of discovering oneself and the world differently. Even as a therapist, I know the latter is easier said than done. Years of oppression, lack of role models, denied opportunities, other inflicted and self-inflicted pitting against the other gender, and belittling of essential women roles on the basis of crude, money-minded, materialistic comparisons are nothing but the face of a regressive society.
Unfortunately with the advent of social media and the polarization that we experience through it, voice has been given to the most imbalanced, skewed, mentally unhealthy points of view of women that feed the same social ills that they superficially seem to be standing against, missing the point and constantly obsessing over the man as a yardstick for self-discovery.

In this very week, I had the good fortune of having a steamy discussion with a group of bright singers within the age group of 18-25. The discussion was about what is needed by today’s women and girls in such a way that it helps them to experience the freedom that is bestowed upon them by nature itself. After a long discussion that was close to their experiences in life, we all came up with some concluding pointers.

Women are truly the epitome of diversity. It is difficult for a woman to fall back on a role model because her own eye for detail makes it impossible for her to blindly accept another woman as a role model. I have noticed that many a time what is understood by others as jealousy is partially a very sub-conscious response of intolerance that a feminine mind has towards imperfection. This quality is very important to hone cognitive ability if taught correctly. This is also a quality that gives a woman her so-called sixth sense or intuition. She has already picked up the odd thing out in a well-designed pattern.

What women lack, according to these youngsters is emotional articulation. Emotional articulation is an important social skill that needs to be imparted both through parenting and school education to boys and girls. Articulation should not be mistaken with expression. Expression has a free (sometimes also reckless), astral quality to it. The astral is the emotional body of the human being having an air-like movement quality full of sensations. It has the capacity to hold sensitivity, talent and beauty if shaped well with discipline and purpose. It also has the capacity to cause illness if it exists without structures and purpose. Articulation, on the other hand, has a more ego quality to it; acceptance of oneself, balanced, measured, complete and well rounded. Physical skills, sports, various life skills, art, intellectual discussions help the balance between spontaneity and ‘saiyyam’ (can be crudely translated as restrain). The ego is the I organization or individuality of a human being that is developed through balanced and harmonious development.

Men are biologically aggressive. A woman who is trained only to compare and find her place in a ‘man’s world’ cannot see beyond this aggression. The one who has understood that she is here to discover her place within nature and the cosmos, and the man is incidentally alongside her and can partner her in the process if she wishes, is able to see that aggression of the man doesn’t mean that he is right and nor does it mean that he will win. Such a woman does not waste time in expressing. Some of the greatest women leaders in this world in science, art, education, politics or business show a calm capacity to sit across the table with another human being, do not reduce their identity merely to a gender, and stick to the truth of the discussion, e.g. Lata Mangeshkar and her integrity towards producing flawless music, Margaret Thatcher – the iron lady, Vandana Shiva and her thoughtful involvement with mother nature and one of my recent favourites Ayaan Hirsi Ali for her fearlessness and the remarkable poise with which she articulates what she believes in.

Being a part of nature is not denying the abilities, capacities and responsibilities that are provided by nature itself. When one compares oneself with the man, there can be nothing but denial of one’s womanhood because the very comparison is faulty. But when one is on the path of self-discovery all the transitions natural to the woman’s life are not seen as hindrances but as parts of a complete design. Parts, that keep giving out the glimpses and nuances of the whole.

The maturity of a society is seen in how men and women collaborate with each other and not in how men and women are pitted against each other with clever manipulation that throws them into regression within the species. The biological, hormonal and biographical development and trajectory of both men and women are totally different. We can build a better, progressive and wealthy world around us if we do not cancel each other out of certain roles. Both men and women need education and a lot of discussions during their teenage and later in such a way that helps them to distinguish between true gender roles and human roles. E.g. giving birth to a child is the role of a woman but cooking is the role of a human being, not a woman. She must know cooking to feed herself and if she wishes and finds happiness in it, she can choose to cook for others as well. If one eats, one should cook. Simple!

Men’s roles are not so biologically definite as women’s. They are rather inferred. Physical protection is a man’s role simply because biologically men are stronger than women and it is only efficient, effective and economical that men take up that job. This role, I agree is not an absolute gender role. It is only more inclined towards men. But as against that, being good at banking and taking care of one’s own money is a very human role in today’s world and should not be confused as a man’s role by a woman because it puts a woman in the backseat in relation to her development.

Social skills that help women to persuade, negotiate, sometimes also outsmart a system in the favour of emancipation are necessary. When a woman is confident of doing that, one can see that she can have a liberating effect on the entire society. In India, we equate the woman’s well-being with the goddess Lakshmi, the goddess of wealth. A seemingly smart, cleverly manipulative but essentially regressive society stupidly and superstitiously perceives this as some equation for materialistic gain. Wealth, on the other hand, like any other resource in this universe is a part of an ecosystem. There are many factors at play and the feminine in the woman is one of the prime factors that makes all the other factors play harmoniously.

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Trauma is almost a universal part of human experience.  We usually associate trauma with extreme circumstances like abuse – physical, mental, emotional, rape and domestic violence, or natural disasters.  This is acute trauma.  However, even those of us who did not experience such incidents experienced trauma in life.  

Being scolded or beaten by a parent/caregiver, mother or caregiver’s unavailability, emotional withdrawal, financial or emotional crisis in the family, the mother’s own emotional condition, her mental and emotional state when pregnant are all traumatic episodes for the child and affect brain development.  

Childhood experiences are a major contributor to the onset of illness.   Research shows that children are especially vulnerable to trauma because their brains are still developing.  Physical or mental illness, behavior issues or even addiction, stem from what happens to people in the early years of life.    Children experience a heightened state of stress during threatening events and their bodies release hormones related to stress and fear.  This type of developmental trauma can disrupt normal brain development affecting long term emotional development, mental and physical health and even behavior. 

When a child’s needs are regularly ignored he learns to anticipate rejection and withdrawal.  He copes by blocking out the neglect and acting as if it does not matter.  But it DOES.  The body continues to remain in a state of high alert, prepared to ward of any blows, deprivation or abandonment.  And with this comes a sense of fear and helplessness that persists into adulthood.  

This sense does not just go away.  It sits in the body. The fight-flight signals are continuously firing in the nervous system keeping one hyper vigilant and persistently on edge for no apparent reason.  Smallest triggers spell imminent doom.  These powerful feelings are generated deep inside the brain and cannot be eliminated by reason or understanding.  

Some of the common addictive behavior patterns that emerge include workaholism.  Being highly focused on achievement yet unable to savor the success.  Workaholics feel fully alive only when they are totally absorbed in work, allowing them to escape their reality at the cost of their own aliveness and purpose in their lives.  

Another is being chronically angry or scared.  The constant muscle tension ultimately leads to spasms, back pain, chronic neck pain, migraine headaches, fibromyalgia, and other kinds of pain.   

Respiratory issues, asthma, digestive problems, irritable bowel syndrome, auto immune disorders, chronic fatigue are manifestation of the holding pattern of trauma within the body.   Research has proved today that traumatized children have 50 times higher risk of asthma in

In fact, recent research also points towards behavior issues of anxiety and restlessness, ADD and ADHD, originating in trauma. A sense of self numbing, lack of awareness of the body are also trauma responses. 

Trauma, like any other emotion, requires a discharge.  The body has immense potential to heal itself.  Mindfulness practices, abdominal breathing techniques, grounding and centering, embodiment and connection with the body are all tools to help us rewire our nervous system helping us move from trauma state response to mindful awareness. 

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An old proverb says fear and courage are brothers. The proverb has been proved right through the evolutionary journey of this earth. Danger followed by fear followed by the urge in the spirit to conquer it, followed by the development of a sharper survival instinct is that recipe for every member of a species to rise higher in the evolutionary chain.

The challenges of teenage and parenthood are two such phases in human life that have the capacity to transform people becoming the forebearers of the very survival instinct that would again and again make humanity triumph.

The teenager, a bag of both vulnerability and extreme energy goes through a long journey of 6-7 years, in search of one’s ‘self’, battles with many truths, from one polarity to the other, finally arriving at some consolidated individuality by the time he/she is 20-21 years old. Similarly mothers and fathers right from the birth of their child till the child leaves the nest keep transforming themselves and their environment with a lot of courage. They again battle with their own truths, social truths, cultural and family truths to provide a better life for their own child.

As teenage is experienced before parenthood by every individual it is obvious that it defines the seat of conscious courage for the whole life. Owing to the place of importance it holds in the human evolution as well as for an individual’s own life, the question arises about the relevance of experiences that today’s teenagers are going through. Do these experiences have the potential to provide a glimpse of their strengths? Do these experiences help map the possible road of their destiny?

When we look at the increasing number of psychological issues that today’s teens combat, we need to ask whether as a society we are in the right direction in the evolutionary process i.e. are they facing enough and right ‘danger’ followed by fear followed by the urge in the spirit to conquer it?

Anxiety, existential depression, hopelessness, suicide ideations, accidents, dare games like the blue whale, embarrassing dares and challenges on social media, etc. are all about the equation between fear and courage, however, going wrong and it also being irrelevant to the evolutionary process; and meaningless to the spirit of a growing individual.

Between danger and the experience of fear lies the realization that something is challenging the quality of one’s own existence. Fear is the realization that something is bigger than me. For e.g. while climbing a mountain, one can be overwhelmed by its massive, non-negotiating, existence. That kind of fear is good because it teaches one to surrender in order to scale it.

Between fear and courage lies the indication that one needs skills to ‘act upon’ the fear and the spirit’s urge to conquer those skills. For e.g. the learning and maneuvering that takes place in order to scale a mountain and finally reach the desired destination resulting in triumph and allowance to rest.

Between courage and evolution lies the ‘meaningfulness’ of this entire act for the latter part of one’s life. This sets the whole thing right.

Involvement in meaningless dares that could cost one’s life, doing drugs, involvement in obscenity or sexual acts in public, attempting suicide, violence, desire to do all those things that are meant for adults (sometimes not appropriate for adults as well) are all courageous acts. This set of acts is as courageous as the set of activities like scaling a mountain, or crossing a river, or learning to play adventurous sports, or winning a cricket match, or winning an Olympic medal, or speaking up for your own self with sharp and clear judgment, or even taking a step forward to correct oneself. The only difference in both the sets however is a) the realization of danger, b) the development of skills to conquer and also c) the meaningfulness of the experience for the entire life.

Many adults who come in for psychotherapy much later in life are still dealing with the shame and guilt that goes into acts of drugs, sex, acting out of irresponsibility that has caused someone else a fatal blow or shamed a parent. Though we can always work towards a better future through therapy, the fact remains that the former set of ‘courageous acts’ is not something to ride home about.

Unfortunately, we are seeing more and more youngsters around the globe involved in the former set of acts than the latter one. Why is that? One reason that I have witnessed in my own psychotherapy practice is that parents are increasingly protective of their children, trying to curate every aspect of their experience. Too much importance is given to safety measures when children embark on something as simple as running through a lawn or climbing a tree. It is necessary for a teenager to witness the reality of a mountain or the reality of a river or reality of riding a horse. But many of us end up teaching our children that reality is to be feared. Don’t climb here, don’t get wet in the rain, these insects are bad, snakes are to be feared are the kind of messages because of which many teens have never worked on a farm, have never tended to an animal, have never cooked their own meal. There are many urban teens who have never experienced fear of a cold dark night on an open field with no electricity, where an adult has inspired them to look at the stars and feel one with the cosmos. Handling REAL situations and REAL problems is not just about understanding the danger but it is also about developing the faith that the solution to conquering that mountain or river also is inherently existing within the mountain or the river itself.

Darkness is nothing but the absence of light. To conquer the darkness of anxiety, depression and hopelessness that lurks over our young we have to create the light of meaningful courage. What can be done?

Make sure that teenagers do at least few of the following things in their growing years.

1. Adventure sports, playing with a team
2. Being passionate about some art form
3. Conquering some aspect of nature like the rivers, mountains, forests, etc
4. Being in service of the old, underprivileged, sick animals or any space where their own empathy and judgment will be honed.
5. Learning to ride a horse or an elephant and learning everything about the animals.
6. Participating in debates for their educational institutions.
7. Learning to dance and sing in groups.
8. Having some form of paramilitary or defense training.
9. Taking age appropriate responsibilities at home and in the community that they live in.
10. Working on a farm for one entire year through all the seasons.

The reality of the world with its dangers and virtues, with its true ups and downs is like a mirror in which the adolescent is able to see his own Real Self (an experience so spiritual that adults around the globe spend lot of time and money to obtain under some Guru or a Prescribed Path). When presented by a curated reality, the young start expecting a curated response from nature and also people around them. And the earth and the cosmos, thankfully is not a curated haven by the shortsighted thinking of the human being. Therefore, when reality dawns, with the absence of perception, skills or meaningfulness, it brings in anxiety.

The greatest gift to the next generation is preparing the young to dream, having them look at REAL experiences, ideals and people who can guide them towards pure thinking, warm feeling and meaningful action.

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How do I know my child is ready for formal schooling?

Many a times there is a confusion regarding school enrolment and school readiness. The question of what is the right age for enrolment in school, is very different from school readiness.

School Readiness is defined as – An educational milestone in the development of a child, experienced when he or she is independent and mature enough to listen, work, and play in a structured learning environment. Physical, cognitive, social, and emotional development are all essential ingredients of school readiness.

Early enrolment and excessive academic learning, without appropriate preparation can hinder  the development of the physical and mental health of the individual.

Why is it important to discuss this? It can cause impediments  in both,  the child’s quality of learning   and the psychological wellbeing. Rise in learning difficulties, school fatigue, increased pressures resulting in suicides and self-harm makes it imperative to look at this aspect.

 At what age do we say that these capacities  develop? Is school readiness defined by age?

School readiness is definitely not defined by the age of the child.

The Grey Matter

Common misconceptions are that, we humans use only 10% of our brain capacity and the development of body and brain have no connection or interdependence.

Let’s try and see what does the Neuro- physiology of brain say! We are born with more neurons than what we use as the unused neurons are pruned away.  However the synapses (the connection between the neurons) are the key players in the process of development. As the child grows from infancy to adolescence, different areas of the brain continue to develop at different pace and time. The process is helped by the opportunity it meets in the environment. The myelination of the nerves in the nervous system starts from Cerebellum which is the  lower center at the base of the brain and continues through the higher centers of the cortex .This cerebellum controls the equilibrium, balance, voluntary movement and control of the muscles. The last one to develop is prefrontal cortex related to planning, estimation, etc.

This development is the significant  milestone for the  child to have an  ability to form connections, concepts and language skills required for learning in later life. During middle childhood frontal lobe, parietal lobe and corpus callosum develop. That means the children are able to achieve more control and perform more complex visuo-spatial, motor and cognitive activities.

What has all of this got to do with School Readiness?

Everything !!

If you go back to the definition of the School Readiness, you will see the kind of preparation is assumed and how it’s connected to the  development of brain and the other factors.

Given below are some of the guidelines by the Educational Systems for School readiness

• The child can run, jump, climb, and does other activities that involve gross and fine motor skills like using pencils, crayons, brush or scissors.
• The child can wait, sit or hold oneself for 10-15 mins for an activity.
• Follows simple rules and routines, expresses needs, is free in exploration, curious and interested in environment, is ready to be away from parents and familiar environment, be with other children.
• Language wise is able to use sentences with 5/6 words, sings simple songs, relates some common objects and its functions.
• Is familiar with different geometrical shapes in drawing.
• Has idea of day and night and other seasonal rhythms to indicate the space in time (yesterday, today , tomorrow).

There are other physiological indications which denote the underlying growth from head to limbs.

In olden times, one used to check if the child is able  to reach up over his head and touch his opposite ear without leaning or bending his head to the side. That indicates the head to torso ratio which is a big sign of the brain achieving an appropriate size in development.  Spine develops the S shaped curve (Readiness for complex motor activities).

Rudolf Steiner, an Austrian Educationist and Spiritual Scientist (Founder of Waldorf Education and Anthroposophy) espouses that a life force which is involved in the formation of the body is released around 6/7yrs of age when the first milk teeth fall. This life force which helps the child later to hold independent memory and thinking needs to be allowed to complete its task over the physical body. As the child achieves balance and verticality a force of levity enters into movement.

Nancy Blanning, an educational expert  says in her article about school readiness, “ The above-mentioned transformation of etheric/life forces, when taken seriously, puts a new slant on the prevention of health issues. Starting school at the right time, that is, being able to cope with the challenges one is exposed to, can contribute future health in the broadest sense.” This all corresponds to the cognitive stages of development which French Developmental Psychologist Jean Piaget proposed in his theory of child development.  

All of this is possible if the child has had plenty of opportunity in the early childhood to move, use his/or her body for various physical tasks, played enough (without learning about the various shapes) by simple sorting activities, has heard enough songs (nursery rhymes or local children songs), & has been allowed to discover things than presented as concepts. The play of all kinds is extremely important, from physical to imaginary to interactive to games. All of this is creating a fertile land for the sound learning to take roots and makes the process of the myelination easy.

Emotionally and socially,  the child needs to be  given  freedom to explore meeting other children, people outside of family and the  opportunity to visit parks. That means that the child is not leading a sedentary life in front of TV or ipad or in classrooms learning concepts.

What  the parents and educationist need to observe to deduce the school readiness of a child?

How comfortable the child is, in  meeting with the world? Is he or she anxious, insecure or excited and joyful when you take him or her to the park or to the playground or with the neighbourhood children?

Does the child’s development seem age-appropriate and give an impression of wholeness? Do you see a seamless weaving of different develomental aspects to form the whole picture? How is the child drawing? Is there groundedness in the drawing of his picture of house, tree, person and sun?

Over all to conclude the child needs to look like a whole being who can now enter this beautiful world of science, math, history, geography, languages and social science seamlessly. The above indications can guide us to create the right kind of education in keeping with the developmental needs of the child.

I would like to end the article by this beautiful verse given  by Dr. Rudolf Steiner for grade one…

There will my body be trained
to rightful activity.

There will my soul be guided
To rightful life-strength.

There will my spirit be wakened
To rightful humanity.

The post Is it the right time? – School Readiness Explained appeared first on Apara India.

A) Have you experienced sitting in front of the TV because you don’t know what to do with your own self?
B) Have you ever experienced a morning where the rising Sun does not excite you? Or when the passing of the day is just ‘by the way’?
C) Have you ever thought that giving up your life would be a befitting punishment for someone else?
D) Have you ever felt that the ‘problems’ in your life are much bigger than your life itself?
If any of the above answers are yes then you are going through classic meaninglessness leading to suicide ideation, right?

OR

A) This ‘You’ could just be a little child who does not have worthy adults to imitate and you cling to the TV, a poor semblance of some contact.
B) Or a child whose education does not organically connect him to nature, the treasure of dreaminess snatched away, one who has lots of information but no wisdom to process it.
C) A child who has learnt that life is all about empty rewards and punishments, which always come from the outside and, so every piece of disagreement or rejection is a piling catastrophe.
D) Or a child who is devoid of age-appropriate life skills because your environment had a skewed understanding of ‘love’ and ‘protection’. Children, actually ‘anti-fragile’ (beings), are mistaken as ‘fragile’ (products) (Jonathan Haidt, The Coddling of the American Mind, 2018)

Adults who would respond with a ‘yes’ to the first set of possibilities can call for help, take medication, seek support, seek therapy, or seek spirituality.
What about the ones (children) whose life itself responds with a ‘yes’ to the second set of above possibilities?

How are our children raised, how are they protected, how are they inspired to reach their optimum potential, how well are they connected to their roots? Answers to these provide a blueprint of the overall health and wealth of a society.

Maladjustment, ideations of suicide, addiction and many other disorders have a series of attachment issues, social and psychological issues embedded in their environmental foundation. These environments, seeped deep in the philosophies of parenting, education and the perceived nature of social responsibility, many times foster illnesses. With children who could be genetically predisposed to these vulnerabilities, these environments contribute a proliferating effect.

How and why do we sow these seeds in the future of our children? Is it because we don’t love them? No no! We do love them! But our love, so crippled by fear, teaches them how to run away from the discomforts and ghosts of our past. That is why we teach them to fear poverty, fear hard work, fear failures, fear others, fear disappointment, and then finally fear success as well. Why do we do that? Because no one taught us what to do with our past and how to transform what we learnt so as to ‘create’ in the future.

One of my clients, suffering from severe anxiety always worried about the future of his children and how they would be able to buy a home in Mumbai when the real estate prices are soaring. One day I asked him that with what guarantee he could say that his children would be in Mumbai? What are the chances that they would definitely need a property of their own? For anyone coming from the Gen X generation, my questions would look stupid. But now evaluate these questions on the basis of how Uber replaced an owned car or how the Internet banking replaced actual banking, how education shifted online, etc. These changes that could have been the imagination of Gen X are a living reality of Gen Z.

The point is not whether owning a property would become redundant. The point is that the anxiety towards this assumed constancy of the present and future is redundant. And then we come to the old tale where we have learnt that giving a man a fish will feed him for a day but teaching him how to fish will feed him for his entire life.
Following the above discussion, what are the basic principles that could be constant for millions of years for humankind that every parent could depend on?

These principles are of the body, soul and spirit. Basic principles of how the body can be nurtured, developed, tamed so that it is a capable tool for the entire lifetime – Basic principles of education, manners, discipline needed to enhance soul forces to live interdependently with every living organism in nature – Basic principles of realizing the spirit by developing a capability to watch one’s own life along with all the polarities like success and failure, challenges and smoothness.

Making children future-ready is not about preparing them for a race. It is about teaching them to recognize the wisdom through which they were born, they exist and grow. It is about showing them through our parenting and education that no matter what, these principles will never fail them.
How can one build these principles?
The first 6-7 years of your child need to be invested primarily in building a healthy body and healthy routine. 9-11 hours of sleep, homemade food, least amount of technology, no writing till the fingers are totally mature and strong, concrete and experience-based education, lot of laughter, and happy adults can ensure this development.

The next 7 years need to be invested in building healthy habits, lots of children to play, learning different skills for the limbs, connecting to the history of one’s family, community, nature, State, Country and then that of the world. Having skilled, striving adults to teach and exhibit discipline takes care of this phase. Age-appropriate personal, family and social responsibilities provide them with a sense of value and self-worth.

In the next 7 years that will finally culminate into adulthood, rigorous physical exercise, connection with ideologies by questioning them and debating them, learning every aspect of life skills required, training in self-presentation, grooming, exposure to theatre and the arts, excellence in academic performance with proper coaching takes care of this phase. A youngster needs to feel the ‘truth’ of his/her own self by appropriate challenges at the body, soul and spirit level. Such a child, who then becomes an adult, meets the world as an equal. Such a child is future-ready, has the confidence to create, visualize, sustain and strive for.

When we do this as a society, we may not be able to ‘eradicate’ maladjustment from the face of our communities but we will definitely be a much stronger and more beautiful vessel that is confident of holding even those ‘becoming adults’ who yet might fall through the cracks.
These ‘becoming adults’ will look at failure as a reality of experience subject to change, and that adds more dimensions to the ‘I’.

Failures will definitely not be a conclusion of life etched in stone.

#suicidepreventionpolicy

#mentalhealthawareness

#anthroposophy

#suicidepreventionmonth

#psychology #wellness

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Every child is an artist, the challenge is to remain an artist even as an adult

Pablo Picasso

Early children’s drawings follow a universal pattern almost mimicking their connection with the cosmos.  Drawing is a pictorial representation of the child’s living, physiological maturation as well as a visual depiction of his incarnation on earth.

Children live in a rich, imaginative inner world they express in play.  For a child the significance lies in the process of the creation, savoring the moment, totally engaged, in his natural state of being.  Every child is an artist, for creativity is one of the most characteristic traits of human beings.  Everything we learn as infants is a result of these continuous creative processes – the drinking in of impressions received by the senses that shapes and forms our organs and faculties of understanding. 

Children in the first 7 years essentially believe the world to be something GOOD.  Everything is good – his parents, educators, friends, school, home, everything he is exposed to.  Any experience that does not confirm this, disturbs his belief of Goodness and leaves an indelible mark in his evolution.  This makes the experience, the atmosphere around it as well as the environment of the child crucial when working with children.

The first connect with art begins at age 1 ½ or 2 years when the child brings his will impulses and instincts to paper in the round, circular scribble, contrasted with the straight line scribble.  These first loops of little children almost replicate the rhythmic movements of the cosmos and appear as life forces streaming into him.  Within a short while these scribbles begin to contract and concentrate into a central focal point leading in to the next discovery and challenge of completing the single, curved, closed line creating the CIRCLE.

This circle again corresponds with the physiological change taking place where the fontanel closes in and becomes firmly fused.  This happens by the age of 3 years and the first sense of separateness begins.  The circle in the child’s art closes and there comes the first sense of “I” where the child begins his first reference to self as “I”.  This physiological change also reflects in the vehement NO that signals the rebellion and tantrums displayed around this age.

Once the circle has arrived the face, arms and legs to emerge soon after.  These elementary drawings represent the growth forces and development taking place in the invisible inner world of the child.  The development of the spinal column and the central nervous system depicted in the “ladder man” and the increasing will impulse streaming through him is represented with the “tree man”. 

Very young children use gesture of the body to draw their moving lines that control the shape.  Hence it is important not to limit their space.  We see this when the space on the paper is overflown.  He uses every possible marking object and surface, be it the walls or the floor, as his dream life of the womb is immensely rich and uncontainable.  The reference of the frame is imposed at a later stage when the child will give himself limits.  These limits are what he feels naturally.

It is almost imperative to allow very young children to draw freely without any systematic program of instruction; no teaching of techniques or styles in the early years.  The child is a sensory being, taking in impressions from all his senses – playing with color, sound, texture, taste, smell – he imbibes his learnings about the world.  Living in a world of imitation he brings a creative presentation of all that he has taken in.  Allowing children to explore their senses deepens learning for the child.  The child‘s soul is enlivened with through natural products rather than dead matter like plastic.

It is also very significant to provide the right drawing implements to the child.  The physiological development of the hand is yet incomplete. Very small children should be given big ball or egg crayons to grasp in their little hands.  Beeswax crayons are amongst the best as they have a smooth texture, a pleasing aroma and are natural.  Holding thin crayons or pencils is detrimental to the child’s development.  All scribbling helps the child develop gross motor movements.  Hence curbing the child’s movements by expecting him to color between the lines is the worst form of instruction at this stage of development.  Children under the age of 5 should be given larger formats to work on.  Coloring books have finished form and a fixed concept.  Often treated as a “quick fix” for the child, in later years this curbs children’s imagination and creativity, besides being detrimental to their physiological development.

At 4 or 5 years, the line begins to get its entire characteristic and the child sees to the accuracy of its place in the composition.  The concept of symmetrical organization begins with the up and down around an axis defined, this mimics his growth forces.  The child’s drawing expresses outwards all that he experiences inward right up until the first dentition around 6 or 7 years. 

The milk teeth fall and the permanent teeth take their place in an unchangeable order.  This first change of teeth brings a new force in the child’s development.  The ability to know and understand the world that surrounds him is the outcome of this huge change.   Drawings become more precise and organized around a center replicating the first manifestation of distance between him and the world.  The organization of space in 2 dimension increases now with a clear brown below for the earth down and a blue strip for the sky and in between a story with characters and objects that float.

Children’s drawings are extremely valuable documents to help us understand the child’s environment and discover the child’s inner life.  Through his images the child is entrusting us with his “soul diary”.

The post Significance of child art appeared first on Apara India.

As a counseling psychologist I have always envied people who were able to work from home. The words “Be careful what you wish for” rung true as it became a reality in 2020. These tough times can strain our resources as we take stock of our personal and collective responsibilities. As a human being I am going through the same crisis as you are and I too am trying to hold space for myself as well.

As professionals we realize our responsibilities towards our communities and our family. Finding the balance in meeting the needs of the self and the other can be empowering and enjoyable when we treat our successes and failures as part of the learning process to master the game. It all is a matter of perspective.

So we ask ourselves, “How do we adapt to this transition”, “What will fit into this new normal?” How do we make meaning of this event in our lives and the world?

Below, I attempt to highlight some insights and experiences of being a counselor and a human being, navigating this pandemic.

Working from home:
Our profession requires a space where focused attention can be provided to the individual. This can be difficult for counsellors living in noisy environments, and even as we cope with these obstacles one misses the in-person exchange. We have also found ourselves balancing household requirements and tending to the ever present needs of loved ones along with managing a full schedule of work and self-care. Activities like cooking and cleaning that are inherently therapeutic also tax our capacities, the challenge here is to find the ways and means to retain the therapeutic quality of activities and draw appropriate boundaries over the time one spends multitasking.

Taking breaks, cutting one-self some slack, reaching out to other professionals and maybe rewarding oneself at the end of the day could also help us retain the enjoyment for what we do.

Online Counseling:
Counselors are trained to observe body language and also communicate presence for which face-to-face communication is ideal. Online sessions take adjusting to, as we seek to broaden communication to fit the situation. However we can sometimes be left feeling helpless when we need to communicate our presence towards a client who is experiencing an extreme emotional response over a life event. We are reminded of the importance of silence and physical presence as we make do with our router and try our best to reach out through the laptop screen or through our phones. Let’s face it this is a long distance client counselor relationship now! We add finesse in our vocabulary to communicate what we would do non-verbally

Self-care:
Along with supporting clients we may also feel the need to support our own family and friends as they deal with their struggles during this time. We also see the importance of supporting our own needs.

One of the challenges in self-care lies in accepting that there are limitations to the amount of work one can do given the current conditions. Sometimes we want to do more, but we have to accept that like our clients we are also journeying through this new and uncertain situation and have to deal with our own fears and thoughts regarding it.

This can be an opportunity to practice self-care and create holding space for one’s own needs while finding ways and means to reach out and work where one is required. It also helps us see how the effects of self-care and a feeling of well-being extend beyond the individual and are reflected in our family and social environments. 

Resources:
India is a country where the mental health profession is still developing with ground-level initiatives taken by individuals to support the community. There is a shortage of resources for the Indian population with regards to the number of Mental Health workers, information, support in regional languages and awareness of mental health. To support the population better, what also requires strengthening is the sense of support within the mental health community. Activities like supervision, online workshops, skill building and emotion support groups work well towards this end. Such initiatives have taken birth and are integral towards tackling the mental health crisis that we need to gear ourselves towards.

The opening up of the economy, our safety and the sense of normalcy depends on the course of this disease. For now it is something that has overwhelmed us from the outside. Amongst other things it is driving home the interconnectedness between the individual and society. We need to take collective responsibility of the impact of this crisis on the mental health of the entire population. Like the current pressure on hospital services, if left unchecked over a period of time there maybe pressure on the services that mental health professionals can provide. We not only need to work on the people who come to us but also reach out to those who can’t. Communities can be prepared to be sensitive towards the mental health needs of its members through increased awareness about mental health.

Social media can be used effectively keeping in mind target populations and the attention span of individuals. Infographics and short videos in regional languages could broaden outreach and account for diverse linguistic groups. On the ground, naturally formed groups such as religious organizations, housing societies, cultural communities lend themselves to easy access within the geographical areas we inhabit. Lay people could be empowered to identify, inform and refer individuals for help. NGOs such as Sangath, The Minds foundation and Manas Foundation to name a few are doing inspiring work within communities on a large scale.  We can contribute towards this within our own means.

Covid -19 has helped us see our interconnectedness. If we can be diseased together we can also heal in the same way together and maybe extend our definition of “home” to the community.

The post Finding a “home” in your home appeared first on Apara India.

The dark clouds in the sky beacon the onset of monsoons in Mumbai.  They remind us that summer has passed by as we stayed in our homes fighting the invisible COVID-19 virus. The rains also remind us that this time we haven’t done the usual “back to school” shopping for our children. The first rain may trigger our anxieties about our children’s learning as schools haven’t reopened with their usual first day cheer. These dark clouds heavy with water also seem to reflect our heavy hearts and our overwhelmed minds.

As parents, we feel heavier musing over how this summer was unfair to our children as it brought with it the news of the virus.  The resulting lockdown was harsh on our young ones. Schools were cut short, parks shut and our children restricted in their required movement since then. We have had to keep them at home to be safe. Our resources were strained to keep them engaged and happy. We were successful yet also faced challenges when the children kept coming back to us constantly saying ‘I’m bored’.

At a loss of ideas, we may have succumbed to allowing them excessive screen time switching from the television to ipads to phones. We may have indulged in offering them extra sweet, extra cheesy comfort foods like fries and the all-time hit Maggi. We may have, at times, lost our tempers too, feeling overwhelmed with our own work pressures. As parents we may have been struggling with anxiety over our children’s futures and ridden with guilt at the perceived loss of control over the situation, leaving us frustrated by it all.

And just like the Sun peeks behind the dark clouds and forms a rainbow, as parents we need to allow the clouds looming in our hearts to pass and ride over the rainbow bridge embracing the little ones again.

How? With love and kindness. Yes. It is really that simple.

Here are simple ways to glide over the rainbow bridge and connect with our littles happily –

1. Our children are born with resilience. So they adapt faster and better than we do to situations. Their worries are mostly the ones that they absorb instinctively from our anxieties. With self–care we can manage our emotions better, thereby making only our smiles contagious and not our tears.

• Rhythm is the only way to regain the perceived lost control and feel a sense of purpose. Maintaining a healthy rhythm for our children such as fixed meal times, sleeping in early and waking up after adequate sleep, a structure to their day where one activity transitions into another seamlessly help children feel safe and reassured.  Rhythm helps to feel centered and brings back a sense of balance.

• Keeping away screen time as an option will ensure that our children explore many more things than just sit and be passively stimulated. Also refraining from watching and discussing the news updates in front of our children would be a good way to keep their fears and anxieties at bay and ours too.

• Involving them in household chores is a great way of helping them learn the values of gratitude and reverence. Simple age-centric tasks such as peeling the potatoes, getting you things from the cupboard, washing utensils etc. are some examples.

• Allowing for free unstructured play is a wonderful way for children to learn, make sense of their environment and heal if they are hurting. Even with schools shut, our children can continue to learn through free play. They learn language skills, conflict resolution, problem solving and most important of all imagination. Imagination is the key to help not only in academics but also give them the power to think of limitless possibilities, thereby enhancing creativity.

• Please know that boredom can be good. We do not have to rush to rescue our children from it every time. Let them get bored. Out of boredom, they shall begin to create, find inspiration and learn to engage themselves.

• We can gift them a sense of security, safety and wonder through nourishing stories. Children understand and imbibe more through stories than explanations and morals.

• Last, but not the least, we can decide a time to spend with our children every day. In this time, we can allow ourselves to be children again and play with them. We can play simple games that involve movements. This way our children get their fun time with us as they move. It could also prove to be a decent workout for us (something we may have been missing).

Parenting can be overwhelming especially in these times but it helps to know that we still have control over our lives and situations. We need not run from pillar to post looking for ways and ideas to keep our children engaged. Though formal learning and literacy is important, we can facilitate emotional, value based learning of life skills.  This is not just the need of the hour but also an essential skill set for the future and can be accomplished even in the confines of our homes through simple daily activities and by maintaining a healthy rhythm.

Our children are our living reflections. Therefore we have the power to choose to look at the sky and notice the golden glow instead of the dark clouds, the rains will bring love and hope instead of darkness and gloom and come closer and grow as a resilient family.

The post Reinventing Parenting In COVID Times appeared first on Apara India.

The coming of age period for children is a delicate time. To be on the brink of adulthood yet not there, is tough. A time for encounters with the world around them with all that they are born with and all that there is potential to become. The most riding emotions are a sense of freedom, overwhelming anxiety and at the same time excitement to enter another world. The main focus of this stage is developing ones own identity. If the childhood has been safe and education health giving, the children engage with the world constructively. A strong sense of self and feelings of independence and control are developed.  The way of  constructing their self image is through social interactions. No wonder you see them constantly glued to their phones or on social media checking their ‘likes’ or ‘hanging out’ with friends. Sometimes you wonder at their friendships and loyalty to their friend whom we see letting them down constantly. These are important encounters to meet oneself. An educationist, once wrote ‘The mental soul of a person gradually takes shape and receives its own dimensions like a room that has width, height, and depth.’ It’s a process of becoming.

This stage is termed by  Eric Erickson as ‘Identity v/s confusion’. Its the time to form one’s own beliefs, ideas that define one’s own identity. If the opportunities are not given to develop these, one can see adolescents and youngsters who are unsure, insecure and confused.

The frontal lobe responsible for decision making is developing but is not yet completely developed. Behaviour is being regulated by emotions because of the activity and influence of the limbic brain. And hence the impulsive behaviour, risk taking and experimentation. As the brain is ‘under construction’ in this phase and regulated by sex hormones, it’s important that this brain gets proper nutrition in many ways.  Towards the end of adolescence, children need to engage in independent action out of free will and have the ability to judge for themselves. We allow them to vote at 18yrs, as we assume they can now take informed decision. The capacity to reflect is being nurtured in the times of long silences.

 Emotionally, as if overnight, the peaceful, loving, ever enthusiastic child of yesterday is transformed into this sulking, withdrawn or argumentative one.  There are many physiological changes that they undergo in the  years  of 13/14 till 18 yrs. Suddenly the body is no longer as they knew it and they experience emotions they have never experienced before. That creates excitement, a sense of new power but also anxiety.

If you study them carefully, you will see how the boys actually go inward and become suddenly unsure of themselves, as their bodies grow heavier, muscular but also chiseled. The girls, meanwhile, post puberty become more outward, physically rounded, open and communicative. The disparity between physical maturity and psychological maturity is seen very clearly in this stage. As the age of puberty is advancing, the gap or overlap between the physical and psychological maturity is widening.  The more the disparity, more the chances of mental health issues.

One does what is ‘in’, be it clothes, gadgets, accessories, courses, friends anything. Friends and gangs become the priority. Make up, heals, clothes, can compensate for lack in attributes like figure, height, hair, etc. In today’s world of digitization , the difference between ‘online’ and ‘offline’ often is blurred. The gap is filled with false sense gained through substance dependence.

The teenager’s relationship changes with the adults and the adults around them need to see it change.  In Sanskrit, there is a saying that when children are in this stage we should treat them as friends (लालयेत्पञ्च्वर्षाणि दशवर्षाणि ताडयेत् , प्राप्ते तु षोडशे वर्षे पुत्रं मित्रवदाचरेत् ). Suddenly they start taking interest in politics, want to get justice for things. They are usually impressed by or idealise people who walk the talk. The birth of idealism is the end of puberty! On one side you see this idealism and on other sometimes complete immersion into sensuality. They need somebody to look up to, a living hero, who is inspirational.

The heredity doesn’t define them anymore. In a teen drama film ‘Lady Bird’, at an audition for a drama, the mentor  asks the heroin, ‘Is Lady Bird your given name?’ And the seventeen year old answers, ‘Yes ! It’s given to me by me’. This little spark of becoming one’s own person is a huge step into adulthood. It is ‘birthing’ yourself and hence it’s as painful but yet as exciting a process. They need to undergo the pain for this new young self with one’s own thoughts, values, feeling, ideas developed by themselves through the oscillation.

So what can we do as parents, adults and educators to resurrect, develop a generation which is going to build the world tomorrow?

1.  Be a guide and witness: They want the adults around to be non-judgmental, to whom they can sound out their doubts, uncertainties, plans . They need adults who know the difficult terrain but who do not push their way. If space can be created at home and school where there is a dialogue, discussion, giving and receiving of ideas, the adolescents will develop the capacity to listen, reflect and hold different views. Debates, live demonstrations, opportunities to meet people of change, building, doing and being part of real world is essential to prepare them.
2. Letting them learn through mistakes: Failures and mistakes are ways of learning. Let them make mistakes and learn through consequences. E.g., if a child breaks the door or lock in anger ask him to repair it himself.
3. Prepare in advance to meet puberty and young adulthood: As educators, one can introduce beauty, morals through studying different cultures, cuisines, civilisations, professions as part of curriculum in earlier grades.  High school can study about food, nutrition through discussions, mental health, economics, social issues through projects. One of the ISC schools had the sociology students in 11th grade interview the migrant workers who were working on their school construction site as a project. Here you are feeding the limbic as well as the frontal brain to regulate emotions, create empathy, sensitivity and work with cognition.
4. Respect them and their individuality: Denying this birth of an individual by constantly asking them to confirm can lead to depression, anxiety and low self image. There is no ‘one size fits all’ for adolescents.
5. Choose your battles: Pick and choose what is it that is really important at that stage like awareness of internet safety, drugs, alcoholism or sexual exploits, self care and their feelings without judgment.
6. Remain in charge of your own emotions: The parent’s gracefulness in holding himself or herself is important for the youngster to witness. Parents losing control due to fear, anxiety, anger can be detrimental to the already rocking boat.
7. Be informed about their world:  Make sure you are with current times to reduce the gap between you and your child. Their world is different but you need to make friends with their world for you to be friends with them. That can build bridges that they are looking for.

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