Riding the storm—An insight into handling the world of youth

BY PARIMAL PANDIT

The coming of age period for children is a delicate time. To be on the brink of adulthood yet not there, is tough. A time for encounters with the world around them with all that they are born with and all that there is potential to become. The most riding emotions are a sense of freedom, overwhelming anxiety and at the same time excitement to enter another world. The main focus of this stage is developing ones own identity. If the childhood has been safe and education health giving, the children engage with the world constructively. A strong sense of self and feelings of independence and control are developed.  The way of  constructing their self image is through social interactions. No wonder you see them constantly glued to their phones or on social media checking their ‘likes’ or ‘hanging out’ with friends. Sometimes you wonder at their friendships and loyalty to their friend whom we see letting them down constantly. These are important encounters to meet oneself. An educationist, once wrote ‘The mental soul of a person gradually takes shape and receives its own dimensions like a room that has width, height, and depth.’ It’s a process of becoming.

This stage is termed by  Eric Erickson as ‘Identity v/s confusion’. Its the time to form one’s own beliefs, ideas that define one’s own identity. If the opportunities are not given to develop these, one can see adolescents and youngsters who are unsure, insecure and confused.

The frontal lobe responsible for decision making is developing but is not yet completely developed. Behaviour is being regulated by emotions because of the activity and influence of the limbic brain. And hence the impulsive behaviour, risk taking and experimentation. As the brain is ‘under construction’ in this phase and regulated by sex hormones, it’s important that this brain gets proper nutrition in many ways.  Towards the end of adolescence, children need to engage in independent action out of free will and have the ability to judge for themselves. We allow them to vote at 18yrs, as we assume they can now take informed decision. The capacity to reflect is being nurtured in the times of long silences.

 Emotionally, as if overnight, the peaceful, loving, ever enthusiastic child of yesterday is transformed into this sulking, withdrawn or argumentative one.  There are many physiological changes that they undergo in the  years  of 13/14 till 18 yrs. Suddenly the body is no longer as they knew it and they experience emotions they have never experienced before. That creates excitement, a sense of new power but also anxiety.

If you study them carefully, you will see how the boys actually go inward and become suddenly unsure of themselves, as their bodies grow heavier, muscular but also chiseled. The girls, meanwhile, post puberty become more outward, physically rounded, open and communicative. The disparity between physical maturity and psychological maturity is seen very clearly in this stage. As the age of puberty is advancing, the gap or overlap between the physical and psychological maturity is widening.  The more the disparity, more the chances of mental health issues.

One does what is ‘in’, be it clothes, gadgets, accessories, courses, friends anything. Friends and gangs become the priority. Make up, heals, clothes, can compensate for lack in attributes like figure, height, hair, etc. In today’s world of digitization , the difference between ‘online’ and ‘offline’ often is blurred. The gap is filled with false sense gained through substance dependence.

The teenager’s relationship changes with the adults and the adults around them need to see it change.  In Sanskrit, there is a saying that when children are in this stage we should treat them as friends (लालयेत्पञ्च्वर्षाणि दशवर्षाणि ताडयेत् , प्राप्ते तु षोडशे वर्षे पुत्रं मित्रवदाचरेत् ). Suddenly they start taking interest in politics, want to get justice for things. They are usually impressed by or idealise people who walk the talk. The birth of idealism is the end of puberty! On one side you see this idealism and on other sometimes complete immersion into sensuality. They need somebody to look up to, a living hero, who is inspirational.

The heredity doesn’t define them anymore. In a teen drama film ‘Lady Bird’, at an audition for a drama, the mentor  asks the heroin, ‘Is Lady Bird your given name?’ And the seventeen year old answers, ‘Yes ! It’s given to me by me’. This little spark of becoming one’s own person is a huge step into adulthood. It is ‘birthing’ yourself and hence it’s as painful but yet as exciting a process. They need to undergo the pain for this new young self with one’s own thoughts, values, feeling, ideas developed by themselves through the oscillation.

So what can we do as parents, adults and educators to resurrect, develop a generation which is going to build the world tomorrow?

1.  Be a guide and witness: They want the adults around to be non-judgmental, to whom they can sound out their doubts, uncertainties, plans . They need adults who know the difficult terrain but who do not push their way. If space can be created at home and school where there is a dialogue, discussion, giving and receiving of ideas, the adolescents will develop the capacity to listen, reflect and hold different views. Debates, live demonstrations, opportunities to meet people of change, building, doing and being part of real world is essential to prepare them.
2. Letting them learn through mistakes: Failures and mistakes are ways of learning. Let them make mistakes and learn through consequences. E.g., if a child breaks the door or lock in anger ask him to repair it himself.
3. Prepare in advance to meet puberty and young adulthood: As educators, one can introduce beauty, morals through studying different cultures, cuisines, civilisations, professions as part of curriculum in earlier grades.  High school can study about food, nutrition through discussions, mental health, economics, social issues through projects. One of the ISC schools had the sociology students in 11th grade interview the migrant workers who were working on their school construction site as a project. Here you are feeding the limbic as well as the frontal brain to regulate emotions, create empathy, sensitivity and work with cognition.
4. Respect them and their individuality: Denying this birth of an individual by constantly asking them to confirm can lead to depression, anxiety and low self image. There is no ‘one size fits all’ for adolescents.
5. Choose your battles: Pick and choose what is it that is really important at that stage like awareness of internet safety, drugs, alcoholism or sexual exploits, self care and their feelings without judgment.
6. Remain in charge of your own emotions: The parent’s gracefulness in holding himself or herself is important for the youngster to witness. Parents losing control due to fear, anxiety, anger can be detrimental to the already rocking boat.
7. Be informed about their world:  Make sure you are with current times to reduce the gap between you and your child. Their world is different but you need to make friends with their world for you to be friends with them. That can build bridges that they are looking for.